I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we're chasing vodka with high fives
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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