it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
