He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Randomize