oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
