That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
