I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
