Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
