I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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