i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
