Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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