Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
