are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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