How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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