My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
