Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
