but the lizard people decide everything anyway
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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