he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
