Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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