Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
