You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
