So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
