He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize