I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
