dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
