i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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