I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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