woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
