I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
