In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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