butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
