Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
