I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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