Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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