apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
