It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
