Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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