i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
