Screwed.edu
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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