well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
