no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
