I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
