Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
