I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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