Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
