someone threw a dead crab at me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
