He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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