I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
