You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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