Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
