Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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