I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
