god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
