I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize