Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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