Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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