PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
