god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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