Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Randomize
