i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A+ Viking dick
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize