I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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