Pregnant stripper...not hot.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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