grandma shit on top of the toilet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
