im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize