she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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