the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
