Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
