I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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