girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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