Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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