I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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