So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
