I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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