I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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